Medical School

Assalamualaikum. Hai semua.

Finally ada masa nak jenguk blog. I miss blogging T^T Rasa macam nak edit balik template semua and buat entries banyak-banyak and simpan dalam draft pastu auto-post bila tengah musim busy. But do I even have time?????

Honestly life aku sekarang macam dah berpusing 360 darjah. At the age of 20, I finally entered medschool. I'm so grateful to be here even though I feel like I'm being left behind because most of my friends are already in their second year of undergraduate study (/coughs/ I took 2-year foundation programme so yeah...). I remember all of those sleepless nights during SPM time; I worked so hard to get into my desired learning institution but I realised all of the things I thought was challenging are just chicken's feet compared to what I have to face in the near future.

I barely started but why am I feeling exhausted already?

1. When you don't remember what you're supposed to remember.

We have to learn a lot of new things in a short time. There are a lot of details to memorize. Most of the time I forgot what I've memorized because I didn't repeat/try to recall. You know that human body is just too complex with all the muscles, bones, tissues, blood vessels, enzymes and all... and when Dr. asks you something and you can't answer even though it's just a basic thing you're supposed to know and you feel troubled because everyone's eyes are on you... you feel like your self-esteem just got snatched away by a thief.

2. When motivation is all you need but it's nowhere to be found.

You see everyone around you study. They're everywhere with books and notes. They talk about muscles and bones and enzymes and diseases and infections during lunch or even in the toilet. Again, you feel disturbed because you just want a break and enjoy your free time in a stress-free condition but this bunch of hardworking students is everywhere around you and you feel like you're committing the biggest sin to only scroll down your Instagram feed. You want motivation but it's nowhere to be found. Your test result isn't at all great and you know you have to work harder but you don't know where to start. You know that the exam questions will always be tough no matter how hard you study so you have to study.

3. When you're fighting with your inner self.

When you're facing a problem but it's just too personal that you can't even tell anyone because it's too embarrassing. You're scared of getting judged by your friends even though they're your close friends who'd spend some time to hear you out. You hate yourself too much because you let the problem eats you when you have a lot of other things to worry about. The only option left is to pray because you know Allah is the only one you have so you desperately beg Him to guide you to the straight path.

4. When you can no longer do the things you've always enjoyed.

Painting, drawing, watching dramas, movies, blogging and all the things you find entertaining are now the things you can no longer do (more like, can't do too often but on the positive side, my time is saved from doing useless things) because again, you feel like committing the biggest sin if you do something other than studying. Everything is not the same anymore. Getting good grades with last minute study or without putting too much effort was achievable for you but now it's just a distant memory. Nothing is easy. Everything will just get harder and you have no other options left other than realising that growing up is a pain.

5. When you feel guilty to the ones you love.

When you have to self-sponsor your studies because the government has no money and scholarship no longer exists during your time so your parents have to support you financially... You feel helpless because it seems like money is everything now and everything needs money. Not only that, the longest "holiday" you can ever get is only 1 week and you don't get to see your family often even when you miss them all the time. You feel like you're a useless daughter because even if you study hard, it won't determine anything. Getting a job is not easy anymore and you can't stop worrying.

And... apa yang aku taip panjang-panjang ni is not even half of what I want to say. Banyak nak luahkan tapi tak perlu pun sebenarnya hahahaha.

Semoga Allah beri kekuatan kepada semua. Tadabbur Al-Quran dan cuba ingat balik tujuan kita dicipta. Hidup dekat dunia ni bukan untuk bergembira dan bersuka ria sepanjang masa. Kalau nak bergembira tunggu dekat syurga sana.